also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
