Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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