3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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