Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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