tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
