if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
