How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
