Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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