You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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