legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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