I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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