I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
