My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
