Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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