Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize