Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize