I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
