do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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