so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
