got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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