I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
