i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
