Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
