dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
