she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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