can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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