normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
