I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
