you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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