You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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