K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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