Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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