I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
