I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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