There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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