Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
