did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
