Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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