I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
