You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize