Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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