even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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