I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
