you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i think i have two assholes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
