im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
