I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
