Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
