i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
