new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize