i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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