just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
