8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
