a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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