he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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