i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
