just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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