Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
