I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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